I've been healed, I've been redeemed.

Come to think of it..the past week wasn't very good for me. Like..althought my dreaded Tues was over, I didn't feel very good from Wed till Fri. You know..like there's just something missing in my life..but I didn't know what was it. Lessons were as usual, friends were the same..but I didn't have the joy I used to have. I just led life like a zombie, wake up, go to school, sit through lessons, go home, do tutorials, attempt to do non-quality quiet time, and sleep. Life without a purpose I guess.

Then I met up with Rachel and Yiling before cell. It was sort of a "cg out of the usual cg" thing. But I really thank God for that short 1hour plus of talking. It's like..I know very well that I can pour out my troubles and sorrow to them cos we all belong to God's family, and all my secrets! They will be safe with them. It isn't the same in school you know. My classmates will think I'm nuts if I talk about my problems. And I really learnt a lot from the two of them. Rachel knows where my problem and weakness lies, and she offers solutions. Actually I knew the solutions, but I just couldn't see it from God's perspective. But now I can (: So people, it's just ever so important to view things from His perspective and not your own or the world's.

Then we had cell with the rest. Oops, here comes the malu part, haha. We had worship led by Joshua then Rachel started to pray. And we prayed and prayed for one another. We were praying much more than usual..then..Rachel was summing up everything in one prayer..then I started to cry. Cos..I could sense that the prayer was targeting at me. Like..God is talking to me through her. God knew that my world crashed, God knew that I was struggling, He just knew everything. And I was crying so hard cos I had been so stupid, to run away from Him and to let myself wallow in despair. Hahaz it's the first time I cried during cell group. But Joshua! He took the opportunity to trim his nails while I was washing up in the toilet..lolz! I just think it was such a comical sight to see my nose and eyes red, and him squatting down in front of the dustbin cutting his nails.

Worship during service was good. I wanted badly to draw close to God again, and everyone knew that God's presence was in the room. People were singing with their hearts and souls, not only with their tongue. Then it suddenly dawned upon me that it wasn't the problems that were weighing me down. It wasn't because many sad things happened that my world crashed. It was simply because I didn't put God in the centre of my life. You know, when you lose the focus, everything goes haywire. But He is always good. He's always there waiting for us to come back to Him, but we have to take the step forward. The step of faith to trust that He's in charge and nothing can separate us from the love of God.

I must admit, sometimes I'm leading a double life. I'm Jessie from Monday to Friday, maybe a little holier Jessie at night when I do qt, then I get transformed into "churchy" Jessie during the weekends. Like hello, we're supposed to lead ONE life. An individual life that is God-centered while living in the earthly world. Haha I do hope you understand that sentence. Earthly stuff shouldn't rank before God, be it studies, TV, friends, relationships etc. All these are given by God, so we really shouldn't be focussing on them. Why not, put your eyes on Jesus, seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you. Yes, it's ALL, not some.

I've seen many people around me fall, and they take such a long time to stand up again. And if they really do, it's after many months or years of confusion and doubt. I really want to help them. And I really pray that they will see the light and walk in the truth.

Maybe, after they stood up, they wouldn't be as strong as before. Or maybe, they can be even stronger, because every setback as a test of perseverance, not a hindrance to our walk. Of course, I choose to be victorious.

These are all the revelations I got after 2 weeks of struggling. I know it's not going to be easy to stand up again. Who knows, I may slip and fall again. But I won't give up trying!

Which reminds me, it's ever so important to pray for people around you. Are you simply praying for your own life during qt, or did you pray for a blessing for your friends around you? (: